Who the fuck are you talking to?
I’m baffled every morning I drive to work I share the road with the other suckers (Those of us who have to work for someone other than ourselves every day) of the world and all of them seem half asleep and most are chatting on their cell phones. Who the hell wants to talk to you? Couldn’t be your spouse, they just saw you, can’t be co-workers you are just about to see them, sales call? I think it’s rude to call before 8am for a sales call. Surely you are not all calling China, I highly doubt so many of you speak mandarin.
Mmm mandarin oranges.
Sorry Homer Simpson moment…. Who are all these people talking to while they run stop signs in such a hurry and almost hit my car? The following is a list of possible explanations, now if you are one of these phone people let me know if I discovered your secret, because I don’t touch my cell till noon and I think you are all nuts.
1. Your secret lover. Maybe all of these people are hopelessly involved with a secret romancer. Unavailable to talk dirty to them while at home with spouse and children, and not able to discuss nasty thoughts with co-workers around and staring at you, they have their private time to and from work as they share the naughtiest of details about “what I’m going to do to you next time we are alone.” Maybe that’s why they are extra distracted as they lose themselves in graphic descriptions of fantastic eruptions of passion. But if all of these people are cheating how is it possible for them to go on for so long and still have 40% of marriages working? Maybe as Dane Cook suggests, cheating is some sort of requirement for a successful relationship (and apparently poor driving skills.) It reminds me of the story of my Godmother’s Brother, that when he died his wife discovered he had a girlfriend on the side for the past 10 years and a separate house with her. Talk about revelations, it was so much drama that they had two separate funerals. (Don’t ask, I highly doubt they dug up the body and did it twice, my assumption is one funeral was just a memorial or something.)
2. Maybe due to the insane pressures for productivity these days everyone must schedule their appointments, call their child’s teacher, gossip with girlfriends, call extended family, talk to their priest etc… etc.. With more companies becoming “easternized” (A term I use to describe this new found work ethic that requires selling your soul to your boss and working Japanese style hours for communist china wages… aka suckers) the simple phone call for personal reasons is akin to slaughtering a goat in your cubical. Which in case you are not a sucker goat slaughtering is only allowed with the consent of your supervisor and only in honor for the almighty corporation. Sometimes the board needs goat blood to anoint themselves with prior to raping another 3rd World Country of it’s natural resources.
3. Maybe there is some secret phone phenomenon that I haven’t been let in on. Maybe the cool thing for middle class yuppies is to dial a 900 number where a person is on the other line telling you nice, self esteem boosting things. It sets your day off with a smile, even when the spouse and kids hate you not Mistress Emily on the other end of the phone telling you “you’re beautiful, you’re popular, I love your tie today” In this self absorbed, over encouraged, “you are special” society; there’s really a market for something like this. Just because the whole world thinks you suck, the men and women at 1-900-you-rock think you are great. The like you so much that they only charge 98 cents per minute to tell you how they really feel about you. The customer is always right? The customer is always fucking awesome! The post baby boom generations of “you can be anything” “you are special” and “Everyone likes you and is your friend” has gotten old, their over encouraging parents are dieing off and they are in need for unconditional love. Shit the whole world knows your are a tool but not mistress Emily on the other end of the phone/chat room at 1-900-you-rock… why call? you could text her while driving, if you have an iphone, you can see her in the chat room as she showers your with positive feedback and encouragement no matter what. I still know that I am awesome, and in no need for this service. Further if it turns out this is not the reason all these people are on the phone, then I’m starting this company right away.
4. All of the above and some combination thereof.
What do you think?
One Response to 'Who the fuck are you talking to?'
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on July 16th, 2007 at 4:51 pm
hahaha I think people assume when I’m on the phone in the car that I’m talking to myself because I just use the speaker. I know the only way I’m on the phone that early is to talk to ken and typically I’m still in bed.