Deuteronomy xxiii - The rules beyond the commandments… are you living up to them?
The Bible will be in bold, I’ll be in Italics
Exclusion From the Assembly
1 No one who has been emasculated by crushing or cutting may enter the assembly of the LORD.
Lets define the big word first so we are all on the same page… Emasculation is the removal of the genitalia of a male, notably the penis and/or the testicles, either by surgery, violence, or by accident (see castration). By extension, it also means to render less of a man, or to make a male feel less of a man by subjecting him to humiliation.
So, you can not go to Church if:
You have had a testicle removed due to cancer “Sorry Lance Armstrong, you might live strong but no Church for you”
You have been the victim of castration: John Bobbit, no church for you
You have had a vasectomy: Sorry Charlie, better keep making good christian children.
Another thing to think about is, why is it in the bible? Was there really that big of a castrated crowd trying to get into the temples that they had to only let real men into admission. Who crushes balls? The bible was written when a common enough crime to get into the text was crushing of testicles… wow and to more “truths” hahah
2 No one born of a forbidden marriage [a](or one of illegitimate birth) nor any of his descendants may enter the assembly of the LORD, even down to the tenth generation.
Ok this is really going to limit the population in churches…. What is the bibles definition of forbidden marriage (in the past in the US that would include interracial marriage) Forbidden, as in parents didn’t approve? Forbidden as in a Jew marrying a Catholic. Now this isn’t just the unapproved marriage, this is the next 10 fucking generations. My great great grandfather, although a “good Christian” did marry his cousin. This is seen here in the US as forbidden, thus I am not allowed in church and neither are my kids, grandkids, great grandkids, great great grandkids and great great great grandkids. The next part is illegitimate birth… didn’t say illegitimate conception though… so rape victims (we know from the pro-life movement must keep the child) must marry their attackers if they want to go to church, what a wonderful way to find a wife. (I think I just vomited a little in my mouth.) Any unmarried folks with kids… congrats no 10% tithing for you.
3 No Ammonite or Moabite or any of his descendants may enter the assembly of the LORD, even down to the tenth generation. 4 For they did not come to meet you with bread and water on your way when you came out of Egypt, and they hired Balaam son of Beor from Pethor in Aram Naharaim [b That is northwest Mesopotamia] to pronounce a curse on you. 5 However, the LORD your God would not listen to Balaam but turned the curse into a blessing for you, because the LORD your God loves you. 6 Do not seek a treaty of friendship with them as long as you live.
Ok who are these evil dooers?
Ammonite- An extinct kind of shell-fish or a Tribe of the Children of Ammon …… very similar and from the same region as Israelites. They were located in what is today Jordan and were allied with Moabs.
Moabite - Another tribe from the Jordanian area….
So this is why we are in Iraq?
7 Do not abhor an Edomite, for he is your brother. Do not abhor an Egyptian, because you lived as an alien in his country. 8 The third generation of children born to them may enter the assembly of the LORD.
Edomite: A tribe/kingdom from what is today Israel that was not of Jewish Faith and preferred to worship a mountain god (western Semitic) called Kaus. Basically disappeared during the Roman occupation of the region (possibly assimilated into the other semitic tribes)
And Egypt is all Muslim now…
Uncleanness in the Camp
(The bible’s rules on Camping aka these dudes think of everything)
9 When you are encamped against your enemies, keep away from everything impure. 10 If one of your men is unclean because of a nocturnal emission, he is to go outside the camp and stay there. 11 But as evening approaches he is to wash himself, and at sunset he may return to the camp.
No wet dreams for you soldier!
12 Designate a place outside the camp where you can go to relieve yourself. 13 As part of your equipment have something to dig with, and when you relieve yourself, dig a hole and cover up your excrement. 14 For the LORD your God moves about in your camp to protect you and to deliver your enemies to you. Your camp must be holy, so that he will not see among you anything indecent and turn away from you.
God knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows if you been bad or good, so bring a shovel to cover up your shit and pee.
Miscellaneous Laws
15 If a slave has taken refuge with you, do not hand him over to his master. 16 Let him live among you wherever he likes and in whatever town he chooses. Do not oppress him.
Today’s modern slave is without doubt the undocumented mexican/polish/ etc immigrant worker. If you report them, or work as a minute-man etc etc you have just violated gods law. At least the Catholic church is living up to this… if they didn’t all of these catholic followers might just call them on their shit. $7.50 an hour? AKA $15,600 per year… that’s slave wages folks.
17 No Israelite man or woman is to become a shrine prostitute. 18 You must not bring the earnings of a female prostitute or of a male prostitute [c] into the house of the LORD your God to pay any vow, because the LORD your God detests them both.
No pimps or Hoes at church.
9 Do not charge your brother interest, whether on money or food or anything else that may earn interest. 20 You may charge a foreigner interest, but not a brother Israelite, so that the LORD your God may bless you in everything you put your hand to in the land you are entering to possess.
How far can I take this? Christians / Jews can’t own banks or credit card companies, or else they must discriminate against others of their faith/tribe etc… Nor should you own a savings account where you earn interest.
21 If you make a vow to the LORD your God, do not be slow to pay it, for the LORD your God will certainly demand it of you and you will be guilty of sin. 22 But if you refrain from making a vow, you will not be guilty. 23 Whatever your lips utter you must be sure to do, because you made your vow freely to the LORD your God with your own mouth.
24 If you enter your neighbor’s vineyard, you may eat all the grapes you want, but do not put any in your basket. 25 If you enter your neighbor’s grainfield, you may pick kernels with your hands, but you must not put a sickle to his standing grain.
Two things A. If you say it you better come true (I’m going to hell for not showing up to a party) and B. It’s not stealing if I take Sweet Corn from a field! Sweet!
The Bible sure is interesting….
Who the fuck are you talking to?
I’m baffled every morning I drive to work I share the road with the other suckers (Those of us who have to work for someone other than ourselves every day) of the world and all of them seem half asleep and most are chatting on their cell phones. Who the hell wants to talk to you? Couldn’t be your spouse, they just saw you, can’t be co-workers you are just about to see them, sales call? I think it’s rude to call before 8am for a sales call. Surely you are not all calling China, I highly doubt so many of you speak mandarin.
Mmm mandarin oranges.
Sorry Homer Simpson moment…. Who are all these people talking to while they run stop signs in such a hurry and almost hit my car? The following is a list of possible explanations, now if you are one of these phone people let me know if I discovered your secret, because I don’t touch my cell till noon and I think you are all nuts.
1. Your secret lover. Maybe all of these people are hopelessly involved with a secret romancer. Unavailable to talk dirty to them while at home with spouse and children, and not able to discuss nasty thoughts with co-workers around and staring at you, they have their private time to and from work as they share the naughtiest of details about “what I’m going to do to you next time we are alone.” Maybe that’s why they are extra distracted as they lose themselves in graphic descriptions of fantastic eruptions of passion. But if all of these people are cheating how is it possible for them to go on for so long and still have 40% of marriages working? Maybe as Dane Cook suggests, cheating is some sort of requirement for a successful relationship (and apparently poor driving skills.) It reminds me of the story of my Godmother’s Brother, that when he died his wife discovered he had a girlfriend on the side for the past 10 years and a separate house with her. Talk about revelations, it was so much drama that they had two separate funerals. (Don’t ask, I highly doubt they dug up the body and did it twice, my assumption is one funeral was just a memorial or something.)
2. Maybe due to the insane pressures for productivity these days everyone must schedule their appointments, call their child’s teacher, gossip with girlfriends, call extended family, talk to their priest etc… etc.. With more companies becoming “easternized” (A term I use to describe this new found work ethic that requires selling your soul to your boss and working Japanese style hours for communist china wages… aka suckers) the simple phone call for personal reasons is akin to slaughtering a goat in your cubical. Which in case you are not a sucker goat slaughtering is only allowed with the consent of your supervisor and only in honor for the almighty corporation. Sometimes the board needs goat blood to anoint themselves with prior to raping another 3rd World Country of it’s natural resources.
3. Maybe there is some secret phone phenomenon that I haven’t been let in on. Maybe the cool thing for middle class yuppies is to dial a 900 number where a person is on the other line telling you nice, self esteem boosting things. It sets your day off with a smile, even when the spouse and kids hate you not Mistress Emily on the other end of the phone telling you “you’re beautiful, you’re popular, I love your tie today” In this self absorbed, over encouraged, “you are special” society; there’s really a market for something like this. Just because the whole world thinks you suck, the men and women at 1-900-you-rock think you are great. The like you so much that they only charge 98 cents per minute to tell you how they really feel about you. The customer is always right? The customer is always fucking awesome! The post baby boom generations of “you can be anything” “you are special” and “Everyone likes you and is your friend” has gotten old, their over encouraging parents are dieing off and they are in need for unconditional love. Shit the whole world knows your are a tool but not mistress Emily on the other end of the phone/chat room at 1-900-you-rock… why call? you could text her while driving, if you have an iphone, you can see her in the chat room as she showers your with positive feedback and encouragement no matter what. I still know that I am awesome, and in no need for this service. Further if it turns out this is not the reason all these people are on the phone, then I’m starting this company right away.
4. All of the above and some combination thereof.
What do you think?
Mother-fuck-a-war
I’m mad as hell. I’m tired of my peers dieing in Iraq. I’m tired of my friends having to there again and again to fight in a war no one intends to win.
If I may, I’ll share with you my feelings on this bullshit with a song by the Ghetto Boys.
Geto Boys - Fuck A War Lyrics
*phone rings*
[Hello, could I speak with, Bushwick Bill?]
Hello, this is Bushwick, motherfucking Bill
[Yes sir, I’m calling to inform you that you have been drafted
into
the United States military]
The Unites States wants me for what? Hahahaha
[Excuse me sir]
Hahaha
[Bushwick?]
Hahaha, yeah yeah yeah, hey what’s up?
[You need to contact your nearest recruiting office immeadiatly
please]
I see your not hip to what’s happenin’
I don’t give a fuck about you and all that bullshit you stressin’
Fuck a war
To explain, let me kick it to you a little something like this:
(Bushwick Bill)
Motherfuck a war, that’s how I feel
Sendin’ a nigga to the desert to get killed
Cause two suckas can’t agree on something
A thousand motherfuckers died for nothing
You can’t pay me to join an army camp
Or any other motherfuckin’ military branch
of this United goddman States of this bitch America
Be a soldier, what for?
They puttin’ niggas on the front line
But when it comes to gettin’ ahead, they put us way behind
I ain’t gettin’ my leg shot off
While Bush old ass on t.v. playin’ golf
But when you come to my house with that draft shit
I’m a shoot your funky ass bitch
A nigga’ll die for a brawl
But I ain’t fightin’ behind no goddamn oil
Against motherfuckas I don’t know
Yo Bush! I ain’t your damn hoe
The enemy is right here g, them foreigners never did shit me
All of those wasted lives
And only one or two get recognized
But what good is a medal when your dead? tell Uncle Sam I said
chorus x2 (Willie D)
I ain’t goin’ to war for a shit talkin’ president
[Fuck fuck fuck a war]
(Bushwick Bill)
In Vietnam a lot of niggas died young
P.O.W.’s got hung
What the fuck do I know about a grenade
All I know is the cops and my 12 gauge
And what if that pin gets stuck?
Several more casualties show up
This shit remind me of a drive-by
More motherfuckers die by accident than on purpose, why?
Cause they don’t know what they doin’
They see the coast is clear and they start persuin’
And that’s when that booby trap springs, BOOM!
Blow a motherfucker to smithereens
They send a sucker to your folks, lookin’ stupid
tellin’ them you died in the line of duty
Or your ass is missing in action bro
Tryin’ to be a damn hero
They bring your folks that duffle bag
The only shit they wanna see is that doggy tag
Hopin’ that the worryin’ will cease
And your ass will be home in one damn piece
But my mom ain’t gotta worry about that there
Cause I ain’t dyin’ in the middle of nowhere
Another statistic, a body in a drawer
Man! mother fuck a war!
Chorus x2
Ya’ll lucky that I ain’t the president
Cause I’ll push the fuckin’ button and get it over wit
Fuck all that waitin’ and procrastinatin’
And all that goddamn negotiatin’
Flyin’ back and fourth overseas
And havin’ lunch and brunch with the motherfuckin’ enemy
I’ll aim one missle at Iraq
And blow that little piece off shit off the map
Yeah, I wouldn’t give a fuck who it ices
Cause I’m tired of payin’ these high ass gas prices
Only the rich benefit, it’ll be a cold day in hell before I enlist
To eat shit out a can like a worm
And everyday wear the same fuckin’ uniform
Sores breakin’ on my funky ass feet
Skin crawlin’ cause I ain’t took baths in weeks
Not knowin’ if I’m comin’ home or not
And if I do, I’ll probably be shell shocked
I couldn’t get a job just a free burial
You know how Uncle Sam treat it’s veterans
Absolutely no respect
Get a plate in your head, lose a leg, you might get a check
Or a gaddamn star, you can have that shit
Mother fuck a war!
